It's Exhausting to Live Offended All the Time: Reflections on Brant Hansen's Book "Unoffendable"

I mostly read very nerdy academic books (actually, I don't even really "read" as much as I research and hunt and gather information). It's probably not the best practice/quality for me as a pastor, but I just really don't enjoy popular books on leadership, church growth, self-help, or other best-selling or trendy topics.

But every once in a while I try to humble myself and read something "popular" that has sold a lot. This time around, I chose to read Brant Hansen's Unoffendable: How Just One Change Can Make All of Life Better (revised & updated, W Publishing Group / Thomas Nelson, 2023). I had to get over the audacious title, and it took me a while to adjust to the informal tone of the book, but I decided to press through.

Why did I choose this book? First, we obviously live in an outraged society and the church is not immune. People in our churches and communities are easily offended, and I'd like to help them live free from offense.

Second, and more personally, I'm a pastor and I'm human. Part of Christian leadership is regularly being told how much you're disappointing people. Everything you do or say is always too much for some and not enough for others. It becomes easy to live in a state of defensiveness, but I know I don't want to live like that.

I've always said I don't want to become a cynical or jaded pastor--I've seen too much of that and how unhealthy it becomes for both the leader and the church. I really want to maintain a soft heart and be able to continue to love no matter how I'm treated. But that's not easy, so I thought I'd check out the book.

Hansen's main thesis or argument is that we should choose to completely forfeit offense. The key character trait is humility. Humility helps us realize that we are just as guilty and broken as the person who offended us, but because we are forgiven by God, we need to give up our right to be offended and instead practice forgiveness. This helps us be outward not inward focused people.

One of Hansen's best points is how exhausting it is to live offended all the time--it's a lot of work! I see this often in easily offended people (yes, perhaps even myself!). They are never at rest, always offended. They essentially choose it as a lifestyle, which leads to constantly quitting jobs, ending relationships, moving, and starting over, none of which are restful activities! They are always finding something to be offended about.

Hansen gives the example, which I anecdotally find to be totally true, that if you go to a public place and listen to conversations, what are most people talking about? They're telling stories of how wronged they were by another person or offended by how they were treated by so and so or this person/worker at that place, etc.

But how often do you hear people talk about (i.e., confess!) how they wronged or offended others or have done hurtful things. Pretty much never.

There's a lesson here for the church. I know people have been genuinely hurt by the church and I don't dismiss that. But as a pastor I do also see the other side, which is that a lot of people hurt the church. But all you ever hear people talk about is how much the church hurt them. When's the last time you heard someone confess how much they hurt the church?

That's the lack of humility Hansen in getting at.

The take home message is that we can choose a more restful life by choosing not to be angry all the time. We can be completely free to love people, see them as God sees them, rather than try to change them all the time.

Being defensive, including as pastors, is not unique or different. Choosing to continue to love humbly no matter what, stick with a group of people even if you've been offended, and confessing your own mistakes and shortcomings is different and can be a witness to the world.

It will admittedly be a while before I read a book like this again as I would say I usually find more to chew on in a few pages of a well researched and thoughtfully argued book than the 200 pages of this one. But I'll for sure be working on being less offended. Life is exhausting enough as it is.